Nearing the first year of my recovery from addiction I signed up to
go on this men’s overnight conference that was out of town. I went eager to
share my hope and encouragement with other men. I quickly found out I was there
for me. After dinner we were to meet in the sanctuary. I entered the room last
and everyone was already seated. Someone yelled out that he had saved a seat for
me in the front row, so up I went. After a few teachings and stories they took
a break and told us to come back in 15 mins for an afterglow. I did not know
what this meant but was sure it wasn’t good, memories of weird church stuff and
televangelist healing shows haunted me. I was trapped.
The pastor started to explain God in three parts,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit. He explained that I could have an intimate
relationship with God and that I could be filled with the Holy Spirit. He made
an offer for anyone who needed healing or hadn’t been intimate with God to
stand up and receive prayer. All of a sudden I found myself standing, embarrassed
at the thought that I could be the only one. Men surrounded me, put their hands
on me and began to pray for me. I closed my eyes and a movie started playing in
my head.
The movie was of a true story my mom had told me many
years ago. The movie was set in my dad’s old church’s sanctuary. The service
was over. A lady my mom had never met before, came over to her, pointed at me and
asked if I was her son. My mom hesitated, and then said yes. The lady told her
that I was troubled but I was going to
be ok.
As the men prayed with their hands on me, I remember feeling
my shoulders relax, like I was coming out of a fighting stance. I realized that
I had been fighting my whole life. What was I even fighting?
I saw a cloud over my head that was filled with rage,
fear and hurt and it was evaporating, giving me a sense of relief that I had
never known. In that moment God met my deepest need and told me that I am ok. Tears poured down my face and
I was flooded with what I can only describe as liquid love. I was being filled
with Gods love. The only thing I ever wanted but could never receive. I was
overwhelmed.
We were asked to take a seat. I remember I was sure
glad for the front row so no one could see what a mess I was in. The pastor
stated that God could speak thru people and left the floor open to anyone who
thought they heard from God. I actually think I rolled my eyes at that point. A
couple of people shared. Then from what sounded like it was in my head, a man
said ‘someone here that has been fighting addiction their whole life, God wants
you to know that you’re ok.’ I completely lost it. I was sobbing, I had
snotcicles. I was so overwhelmed I left the room.
The next morning I awoke and stepped outside for a
smoke. Immediately I was overwhelmed with the colour of the green on the trees.
I could smell the rain. I was looking thru a new lens. It felt like my whole
life a hand had been on my head pushing me under, now it was gone. I felt total
surrender to God and his will for my life.
God gave me a verse to reaffirm his power in my life.
Psalm 107:14 ‘He brought me out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke
away my chains.’
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